Hoses.. wires.. PASTED bandages..
painFuLL deep brown eyes.. blood stained skin..
an ominous pasted on notice in front of crib bed
that says MULTIPLE CONGENITAL ANOMALIES..
No way to breathe.. born without sinus passages..
Transposition of great blood vessels.. open heart surgery
required on 30 day born heart.. no immune system.. extra digits
for six on each hand.. with two thumbs instead of one.. respectively…
It is the day of the open heart surgery.. surgeon in his sixties.. huge hands
tell me at 37.. don’t worry it’s just like when your grandfather gets a bypass..
and the nice nurses say don’t worry you are still young there is plenty of time
for more children.. your wife is beautiful.. you will have beautiful children to come..
Baby is wheeled toward operating room.. surgeon says.. kiss your baby goodbye..
So wife and i bend down.. and after 30 days at the hospital are shell shocked for
whatever comes next.. father sits beside me in waiting room.. and offers advice..
Son make sure you raise him as a man…
My mother didn’t do a good enough job for him…
he bails after 3 years.. when my mother doesn’t work..
Oh.. the values we place on humanity.. gender roles
here or there.. a do or die proposition of static
roles for patriarchal minds of being..
i sit back quietly at this point
and almost giggle
at a reality
strange as this…
And truly feel sorry for my
father who thinks raising a boy is
all about being him.. baby survives the
surgery and as really expected from birth by
doctors and nurses.. veterans of this show..
passes away in my arms.. not afraid
to cry.. i call my father.. and he just
says oh no.. i don’t wanna
hear any bad
A 500 mile trip back home..
ashes will be sent in cardboard box
by postal service.. the lesson of life is..
how lucky i am just to be a human
alive for now.. never ever will
i doubt my blessings
in life again..
and truly a lesson
i need for five years..
10 and a half years later
at the start of my challenge
of JOB.. but i have the blessing
of knowing my son survived much
worse.. with never a smile.. never
a laugh.. and only pain for
51 days.. and yes..