Kiss Your Baby Goodbye

Hoses.. wires.. PASTED bandages..
painFuLL deep brown eyes.. blood stained skin..
an ominous pasted on notice in front of crib bed
that says MULTIPLE CONGENITAL ANOMALIES..
No way to breathe.. born without sinus passages..
Transposition of great blood vessels.. open heart surgery
required on 30 day born heart.. no immune system.. extra digits
for six on each hand.. with two thumbs instead of one.. respectively…

It is the day of the open heart surgery.. surgeon in his sixties.. huge hands
tell me at 37.. don’t worry it’s just like when your grandfather gets a bypass..

and the nice nurses say don’t worry you are still young there is plenty of time
for more children.. your wife is beautiful.. you will have beautiful children to come..

Baby is wheeled toward operating room.. surgeon says.. kiss your baby goodbye..
So wife and i bend down.. and after 30 days at the hospital are shell shocked for
whatever comes next.. father sits beside me in waiting room.. and offers advice..

Son make sure you raise him as a man…

My mother didn’t do a good enough job for him…

he bails after 3 years.. when my mother doesn’t work..

Oh.. the values we place on humanity.. gender roles

here or there.. a do or die proposition of static

roles for patriarchal minds of being..

i sit back quietly at this point

and almost giggle

at a reality

as

strange as this…

And truly feel sorry for my

father who thinks raising a boy is

all about being him.. baby survives the

surgery and as really expected from birth by

doctors and nurses.. veterans of this show..

passes away in my arms.. not afraid

to cry.. i call my father.. and he just

says oh no.. i don’t wanna

hear any bad

news..

A 500 mile trip back home..

ashes will be sent in cardboard box

by postal service.. the lesson of life is..

how lucky i am just to be a human

alive for now.. never ever will

i doubt my blessings

in life again..

and truly a lesson

i need for five years..

10 and a half years later

at the start of my challenge

of JOB.. but i have the blessing

of knowing my son survived much

worse.. with never a smile.. never

a laugh.. and only pain for

51 days.. and yes..

more than

likely he

saves

my

life….

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About katiemiafrederick

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49 Responses to Kiss Your Baby Goodbye

  1. http://dversepoets.com/2015/06/25/meeting-the-bar-with-time-travel/

    ^^^

    Great prompt Bjorn.. and i naturally try to stay with present tense always in honoring the now of the moment.. when I relate the past in words or even in real flesh and blood oral story ‘taling’..:)

    I will be away from online for a little while but will be back to read and comment on all later.. the best story telling is in the present tense and I look forward to reading meaningful moments in the present of memories from folks now..:)

  2. X says:

    Good that you appreciate the gift of life we have all been given. We can not take it for granted because we never know how long we have. Open heart surgery is no joke. Have sat with my father through it.

    • It’s Interesting X.. for years of my life.. people tried to convince me.. my life is not worth very much.. worrisome yes.. but never enough for me to give up.. and this experience allowed all those earlier memories to come back after my child died.. and his life gave me strength to get through those memories.. however.. when becoming catastrophically ill for five years.. 10 years.. later.. the memories came back of the bullies… and in weakened form.. they were more difficult to overcome.. but not impossible.. as through that experience of truly what can be equaled to an experience of the biblical JOB..

      i lost it all for five years.. BUT MY WILL TO SURVIVE.. and that is the quality I learned from the short life of my son.. how much life WILL WANT TO LIVE.. WHEN GIVEN ANY OPPORTUNITY AT ALL TO DO IT.. before medical science the end would have been the beginning and minus the lessons I learned in life.. that would have been the kind thing of MERCIFUL GOD for my son to pass away withOUT modern medicine torturing him alive for 51 days.. dogs get better care.. but generally speaking.. many folks have more empathy for dogs than humans.. sadly enough…:)

      • X says:

        My greatest fear is something happening to my child. It is hard for me to process. Until you have seen them in those small caskets – it…is hard to process…my cousin had a son that suffered through some similar days with kidneys growing out of control, distending his body. We were there through it all with her. It breaks my heart even now.

        • Yes.. it is so sad and scary.. as youth is most often a time of wonder instead of tragedy.. and interestingly my cousin.. the first born daughter of my father’s identical twin.. has a child with Noonan’s syndrome with open heart surgery as a tiny child.. for a valve issue as well.. yes.. all the more reason to appreciate the nows we are gifted with in young and old the same..:)

  3. Oh the sadness of the death of a child.. really so much stronger than anything I have ever read of yours.. my eyes are filled with tears after reading this.. Tight and excellent poetry.. Thank you for sharing this.

    • Ah.. Poetry is a multi-dimensional experience of the human heart.. mind.. expressed more fully in ways of spirit of human soul.. this is a rather simple effort.. a description of a real life event and rather matter of fact.. as well.. in both events.. emotions.. and wisdom.. but obviously a topic of humanity that will touch most all ‘real human beings’.. in mass sadness appeal.. i suppose it could be used as test to weed out psychopaths that aren’t fully human in what the term human means in terms of empathic human creatures…:)

      I also write poetry that psychopaths can enjoy.. as i have empathy for that spectrum of life as well.. smiles..:) But anyway thanks so much Bjorn for stopping by with those wonderful words of appreciation.. i wasn’t sure anyone would even see it as poetry.. as that is definitely hit and miss.. with a variety of so many eyes in International poetry lands from so many cultures that view the world so differently from each other.. and that is what i love about it.. the diversity of words.. and interpretations of the world.. for both my world and the world of others.. smiles.. yes.. dVerse is an appropriate name for a multi-colored experience in the hues of human life.. well expressed in all the shades that comes in too..:)

  4. Mary says:

    What a hard lesson on the fragility of life. I am truly sorry for the loss of your child.

    • Thanks Mary for those kind words.. but truly it is for me a testament to the strength of life.. that a little boy born with so little could hang for 51 days.. never the less in excruitating pain..:) Thanks for coming by with smiles.. and hope your now is a beautiful one as well..:)

  5. kanzensakura says:

    So very heartbreaking….I am so sorry….looking at that precious face….but I know he felt your love. And when you write like this out of such depths, you go far past any of your other work. Blessings.

    • It would be nice for me to believe that our young son could feel our love but as a veteran of the worst pain known to mankind.. type two trigeminal neuralgia.. like someone drilling one’s teeth without novocaine.. except it is in a person’s eye and ear in my case.. and yes.. a pain assessed worse than crucifixion in medical literature about crucifixion using it as the exception to the rule for the intensity of the pain of crucifixion.. when a person is in anywhere close to this much pain.. all there is.. is will to survive.. so i give my son a pass on not being able to feel all the love we have for him.. as i
      know the depth of pain.. when i feel it in another person’s eyes..
      no matter how small or big.. or
      warm..
      or cold.. it is..:)
      His will to survive..
      is the greatest lesson
      i learn from the experience
      and what I laud him for in human
      effort that anyone could learn from..
      who will have to test themselves with a ‘JOB
      LIKE EFFORT.. FOR SURVIVAL.. I EXISTED
      WITH THAT PAIN FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS until
      assessed with an appropriate medical
      test and diagnosis and 3 more year after..
      with NO ONE UNDERSTANDING HOW BAD IT WAS
      AND still I will never ever be able to convince folks
      how bad it was.. as one second of that pain.. is worse
      than anything imaginable.. for me until then.. 50 times
      worse than a migraine headache with no relief for 5 years…
      And NO while you may assess with your eyes that I go far
      past my work with this type of poetry that is obviously deep
      from heart.. i go to places most people cannot even understand
      in some of my other poetry.. this is nothing compared to a 11,135
      poetic expression that only i and a relative few other people in the
      entire world can appreciate.. and that my friend comes from a home
      OF ‘JOB’.. I DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND IT OR
      APPRECIATE IT BUT NEVER THE LESS.. FOR ME IT IS THE GREATEST
      EXPRESSION OF ME.. THAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN MY LIFE..
      WITH OR WITHOUT THE APPROVAL OF ANYONE ELSE.. MY SON
      ALSO TEACHES ME TO SPEAK MY MIND AND MAKE BOUNDARIES
      CLEAR and that is what i do here friend.. i never make a subjective
      judgement on the value of someone else’s poetry as i know i
      am making a subjective judgement on who they are as
      well.. when i do this.. and that is why i find something
      to get inspired with and run with that.. as i am
      doing here now friend..
      with you.. smiles..
      hope you don’t
      mind my honesty..
      as that is what poetry
      is for me to let it all go..
      and truly never go back..
      until the words meet the
      paper again.. to visit wherever
      my soul cares to drift in past
      present or even prophecy
      of the future if GOD
      allows that
      too..

      smiles.. and hope your now is
      going tremendous in freedom of
      expression for you as well.. no matter
      what anyone else feels or thinks about
      what you do.. and i appreciate your honest
      feedback as it reflects your soul as well..:)

    • Yes.. Claudia.. tears.. the same tears i experience the night he dies are the same tears i experience here as 1997 around the same time in the Summer becomes now again.. when i create the now and place and visit these words again.. but i do let them go.. until i come back to them.. again.. smiles.. my son teaches me the value of keeping my head up.. being honest.. but most importantly appreciating the moment in depth of respect like it will be the last now i ever have.. without fear as well..:)

  6. MarinaSofia says:

    That has to be one of the saddest things I’ve read – and so honest. There is so much pain and wisdom you have distilled there.

    • Thanks so much for stopping by Marina.. with those kind words of empathic feeling.. and yes.. i no longer worry about holding anything back.. and truly it was years before i could tell a fuller story of the experience like this.. and as you might imagine.. all of it could come in novel form.. but i am trying to cut stuff short here out of respect for individual prompts.. smiles.. and try to accommodate folks requests for comfort to visit me here.. as yes.. i love people.. all people and all expressions of people dark and light.. as equally valuable human beings.. in both being and expressions of being in poetry or not..:)

  7. Gabriella says:

    This is very poignant, and your father’s words make it all the more heart-wrenching.

    • Hi Gabriella..thanks for coming by.. and expressing those kind words of appreciation and empathy for me here…

      My father who passes away last May at age 82 is a product of his time in the deep south.. THE army.. and 46 years in law enforcement as a tough guy product.. no doubt if he had stayed.. instead of left.. i would be in that tough guy mold too.. as you might imagine by looking at some of the facial expressions i can make here as well.. but it is cathartic for me.. to express the masculine side too.. as Lord knows folks have complained most of my life that I am way too soft.. no matter if I have ‘superman’ strength or not.. my father was concerned I might be too happy and too smiley if you get my drift.. but nah.. i didn’t come across my beautiful wife for not loving women exclusively… smiles.. but anyway my strength allows me to exercise the feminine side as well in ballet.. in a crowd of folks who are military oriented with three major bases in my local area.. in the dance halls of so-called ‘red neck’ farmers.. living out of extremely patriarchal church leaning ways as well.. my area is actually assessed by sociologists as the toughest place to be ‘different’ in the United States.. it is EXTREMELY
      CONSERVATIVE.. smiles..:)

      BUT ‘they’ understand strength too.. and when they see my martial arts lightening fast kicks that i incorporate in ballet too.. in the rave dance hall i go to.. when they attempt to challenge me as ‘boys’ will do to other ‘boys’.. i get all fist bumps and excuse me.. my bad.. if they brush up against me…

      Being a male is a complicated thing.. particularly when one never has a stay at home father.. or other male influence like I do in patriarchal land.. growing up.. but never the less i survive.. am seriously verbally abused.. but no one ever lays a hand on me.. with tough love
      or not..:)

      It isn’t easy to be a male in the U.S…

      Females are winning the battle of the sexes for good reason as they overall are no longer afraid or in fear of expressing their masculine side.

      Males, overall, have a long way to go.. to gain the kind of strength I have by expressing both sides equally in balance. There is no way up in spirit… seriously.. before a male gains the courage to do that.. and that my friend is what i do in REAL LIFE.. ACT AS A MIDDLE AGE FBI AGENT LOOKING DUDE IN REAL LIFE.. to convince the macho males that there is more to life than masculine ways of expression no matter how tough or strong a ‘dude’ looks on the outside.. with smiles again..

      It is serious fun to freely express both sides of my nature..

      And provide what I understand could be a life or death scenario for the life or death
      of a fuller spirit expressed
      of human being..
      male
      or
      female..:)

  8. Ah.. the dance of love goes on in memories of roads gone past…
    for me the dance of love past is best experienced in the balms
    of beach nights.. moonlit and with hotel lights.. as well..
    these words take me long past to dark hair ..bright teeth
    innocent eyes where the eyes are mine.. and the
    hair and teeth are for a love willing to
    be that i have no idea
    how to touch in
    dance or
    not.. too
    shy is me
    for then…:)

    Ha.. no father at home… mother with
    no rules.. free home.. no chores..
    no duties.. just be free..
    no allowance..
    but with trust
    enough in love
    to get a job and do it all..:)

    Oh.. no.. the complicated realities of a culture
    and responsibilities so complex that there is never
    time to see the forest for the trees.. and for me..
    it brings back memories of decades of work life
    and duty bound home life worlds.. where the only
    time to reflect on who i even am as a human soul..
    are on bi-annual journeys in transit to see family
    members across state.. and the occasional hurricane
    that shuts down the information overload of a culture gone truly insane..
    ah.. i escape now.. into the best of times..
    now..:)

    Oh.. even living at home.. one can escape home and no longer know home..
    my home is beach as well when young but work takes the time away to visit
    beach for decades more.. going back in 2008.. finally after work almost
    takes me down.. i remember but cannot get that feeling of home in beach again..
    but finally i go back 2 years ago.. and find that home of beach within me
    at beach or not.. realizing that home is where the spirit thrives.. alive..
    in now.. with Love..:)

    Ah.. the cold metal of a gun.. will never replace the strength of
    a human heArt.. or even the strength to move a world with
    courage.. oh.. the tools of human shine bright in power..
    but fall short of
    human soUl
    expressed as spiRit
    instead of guns and mirrors
    of heart
    up
    in
    smoke..
    in soulless wander
    of spirit gone
    in death
    alive…:(

    Ah.. a fort of strength in courage of pain gone past
    in scars of present.. is what every father should
    teach a child to grow strong in knowing all the pitfalls
    of life without being quiet.. to shield a soul from truth..
    oh.. i looked for this in my father’s eyes for
    guidance.. hoping for it decades
    in bi-annual visits.. but it only
    comes in eyes
    of me in
    present tense
    of coming
    through..
    scars of
    present
    tense
    challenge..:)

    Ah.. young love lives young when free and young.. with youth
    welling in spirit free of new alive.. in sensuous delight
    of living flesh.. oh to renew.. to live again..
    in now.. in ecstatic delight.. of flight..
    i find that within..
    with willing
    mate
    or not..
    smiles..
    life is long..
    but life is good..
    even without THAT..
    to breathe is enough for me..:)

    Amazing how the bread of life today.. is taken so for granted..
    when a staple of life and communion in life of past
    is present.. in staple of wheat..
    a way to thrive.. in fields
    of grain.. stamped alive
    into souls
    of
    eyes..
    grown
    old and new..:)

    Ah yes.. for me
    in the beginning.. dark..
    then light.. then dance
    or movement.. then song
    or sound.. inspiring movement
    once more.. INfinity loop *8*
    of NOW.. and somewHere
    along the song and
    dance comes
    humans
    and
    poetry
    to
    scribe alight!..
    with dark
    pens
    of
    knowledge
    in LIGHT
    ALIVE!..:)

    Loves gone past..
    chances missing
    after the love is gone..
    where does love live..
    i hope.. i feel.. i love..
    i am aLive..
    i’m love..:)

    Connections of love growing generation to generation of eyes
    that mirror us.. oh love.. oh time.. oh past.. ah.. present
    now.. wHere love finds time always now
    to live
    with
    us..:)

    Ah.. walk with shoes of town crier.. black smith blues..
    village idioms of delight.. oh.. to know.. to feel..
    the shoes of old.. that feel no pain..
    hmm.. to smile with eyes
    of free that
    only
    know
    heal..
    and nice to hear
    Lynn with two
    N’s.. as Lynn is
    my best friend
    from high school..
    and we tie at number
    11.. in school smarts
    too.. hmm.. i miss Lynn..
    funny how memories of
    Love can come back too..
    and no that can’t be you..
    as her last name is Wood..
    smiles.. with her minister husband..:)

    Oh.. the last moments of life
    ..are filled with the love we give..
    to spend a life in loving..
    is to fill every moment..
    with the last
    moment of Love..:)

    Voices of women subjugated at the hands of ‘Jesus’ in master of
    man instead of Lover.. walk quietly into the night of horror leaning
    life.. faces play.. as zombies.. in aisles of Super Walmart in my
    town with the most churches per square mile..
    oh.. the lonely hearts from men who
    are bred as tough rather
    than love.. do
    carry on
    a
    vicious cycle of anti-christ hate..
    oh.. the little boys who smile and laugh..
    shall never be silenced by hard patriarchal
    anti-christ stares.. when God lives in tough love
    in their eyes.. instead of frenzy of hate.. To escape
    this cycle alone as whole.. is to once again live with
    EyEs of Free God staring into skies of limitless wealth
    of being one with allone and never alone again.. dying
    with eyes
    of
    hate..
    tithing tax-free..
    THRIVING ALIVE
    WITH LOVE..:)

    Oh.. this reality flows like a dream.. oh dream this reality.. when spirit dreams..
    never growing old.. yes.. emotions are real.. emotions fire memory.. emotions
    are us in all senses of delight.. to hold on to heArt.. is to live forever in
    spiRit of SoUl now.. now cannot erase a time that truly is only relative
    to a
    state
    of
    body
    and
    mind
    balance
    of living
    spirit youth..
    always alive
    from
    wake
    to
    final sleep..
    i don’t like to
    analyze poetry
    much.. but truly that is
    beautiful in an instinctual
    organic flow kind of way..:)

    Ah.. yes.. all the archetypes of human mind and body in balance
    shared.. as one race of humans from beginning to end..
    sparks of then and now come one in symbols
    or words from myths to science all
    one in now.. of human emotions
    reliving soul over and over
    again.. in spirit
    of living
    now..
    again and
    again.. with
    all as one.. the
    essence of all of this
    is real.. the symbols are
    just shells for the real of all
    inside.. insights of then as now..:)

  9. 5h2o says:

    Very powerful. Blessings for your difficult journey.

    • Thanks so much 5h20 for coming by with those kind words of feelings.. and truly all the pain in my life and challenges have been the greaTEST blessings unto their self and me.. that is one and same in dark and light.. mixed to feel it all and not at all.. smiles and hope your blessings are always great ones for now..:)

  10. Grace says:

    I am sorry about the loss of your child…very moving to read ~

  11. lynn__ says:

    Every child is precious and you write a fitting tribute to your son Ryan’s brief and painful life. What a fighter he must have been… and your own resilience is amazing!

    • Hi.. smiling.. nice Lynn.. sweet of you to drop by with those kind words of spirit.. ah.. sometimes the son makes the father.. and signature precedes
      the heaRt of soUl
      in
      SpiRit
      of
      Present..
      to walk
      in
      ‘HiS’ shoes
      IS to walk
      in
      ours.. smiles.. Friend..:)

  12. Sanaa Rizvi says:

    This literally broke my heart! I m so so sorry for your loss.. please accept my deepest and heartfelt condolences.. you have written a beautiful tribute for your son..!

    Lots of love,
    Sanaa

    • So nice of you to drop by with those kind words
      of heart felt concern.. Sanaa Rizvi..
      sometimes the most broken
      of hearts can rise again..
      with the fire of
      a phoenix heArt..
      in SpiRit expressed
      as SoUl.. oh life can be
      magic when one never gives
      up and sees a light in the darkest
      night
      in
      eyes
      of
      i..:)

  13. Sumana Roy says:

    this is heartbreaking…there’s no consolation for the loss…i can feel this deeply…been to that place……

    • Hi Sumana.. so sorry that you too experience a similar place like this and true there is no consolation for the loss.. no replacement possible for each unique child who are gifts from God.. or any human that exists.. hope you are having a wonderful now.. and will be making more rounds at dVerse in the morning and will visit your place then.. smiles..:)

  14. https://theordinarilyordinary.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/dreaming-about/

    ^^^

    The greaTEST lesson of my life is that age is just a concept.. a measure of skin..
    of bones.. of flesh.. of walking speed and strength.. but youth is without limit..
    a measure of the soul.. heart.. expressed as spirit..
    and honestly what i find most now..
    is that when heart lives light
    as spirit expressed for
    soul more fully
    alive..
    even those material things
    of skin.. bones.. flesh.. speed..
    and strength are revived as well
    as total soul of human being manifest
    as temple of God in form as well.. so to
    live bright in emotions from heart expressed
    as spirit from soul.. is to live with a soul of GOD
    that is only
    now and
    truly
    never
    ages
    at all..
    but don’t fret.. at 21 i FEEL 81..
    at 47 i FEEL 105.. and
    now at
    55..
    truly no
    different than
    sweet 16.. NOW..
    THE power IS TRUTH
    within.. culture will take
    that higher power of GOD
    away from US.. forever young
    in spirit of NOW.. if we do not FIGHT
    FOR LOVE until our last LIVING BREATH.
    THE LOVE MUSCLE.. IS THE GREaTEST
    MUSCLE
    OF
    ALL..:)

  15. Kathy Reed says:

    Your story and lives are testimony to how faith can pull us through the worst of pain. It is the scars and grey hairs we carry as evidence of our battles if we survive. Tragedy in our lives builds that muscle each and every time….it must or the alternative is to die. Bless little Ryan and prayers to you both. Love Chapin!

    • Thanks so much for the visit Kathy.. with those kind and encouraging words…
      For a long time on this Blog I use the term Unconditional Love.. as a KIND of
      highest expression of human heArt expressed as spiRit of the human soUl..
      but truly THE ROSE of REAL LOVE AS humanly
      evolved from Nature as i for one see GOD IS
      Tough Unconditional Love that constitutes
      all of social animal survival..
      with thorns fully engaged
      as Cross
      of
      Human
      Challenge for Life..
      And yes.. in the darkest coldest.. unfeeling parts of my life..
      where a second is an eternity.. of hell.. with no emotions of faith..
      hope.. or belief.. body almost dust from 40 days with only specks of sleep..
      it is that TOUGH LOVE WILL for Survival.. all innate.. instinctual.. and intuitive
      from the reptile part of my brain that carries me through.. same stuff that keeps
      the snake moving and never ever giving up for survival.. too.. so yes..
      it is the coiled snake that is the greatest survivor as human..
      when life is experienced more numb than depression..
      THAT Tough Love of SURVIVOR Snake can carry us
      through the pits of REAL HUMAN HELL
      never experienced before..
      and i will ‘tale’ anyone that it is possible
      to go to the lowest pits of REAL Hell.. and then rise
      to places of happiness that only angels can dream of..
      as demons before.. to rise out of hell.. to heaven..
      AND truly a ‘story of Jesus’
      that can apply
      to most all
      Human Beings
      in Real Life Now…
      the Mustard Seed of
      LOVE.. faith.. hope.. and
      belief that does not even
      exist.. can grow great.. as seed shell
      of Universe within.. HEAVEN IS NOW
      for those who survive and thrive WITH
      THORNS OF LOVE ROSE FULLY
      EXPOSED
      IN
      LOVE
      OF
      LIFE AS
      UNCONDITIONAL
      TOUGH LOVE FOR NOW..:)

  16. ^^^

    i love life now.. every now.. all the time now.. and sure being retired is a big pArt of that… as i am ONE with control over my life NOW with ALL NATURAL GOD of ALL THAT IS.. the system of culture that is driven by a society that breeds humans into cogs of a machine to keep the society going which is necessary but hard for true human freedom is NO LONGER IN CONTROL OF ME.. but still for decades at work.. my life is pleasurable in connection with other human beings.. as truly that Love Connection with other humans and the rest of nature that is GOD as whole.. is the most important aspect of human happiness…

    BUT ANY WAY.. tHere is no doubt in my mind that i for one am the happiest human in the world.. as i only grow happier each now.. with a free spirit of living connection with humans and the rest of Nature in all positivity of kind and tough love way of life truly in touch with the reality that the GOD of Nature evolves humans in a way of sharing and giving.. with kind courage.. and not storing material items as goals for human happiness ..where tools of humans become the flesh.. and the flesh dies a lonely death in the tools of the system of culture that can take human away from eyes of GOD gifted to human…

    So i carry on.. and share all of me everywHere i go.. and no it is NOT JUST OJOY MIRRORED AS YOLO OF.. You Only Live ONCE.. IT IS YOLN.. You Only Live NOW AND NOW IS FOREVERMORENOW.. FROM WAKE TO FINAL RESTING EYES OF SLEEP IN DEATH FOR THOSE who live every now as the truth of existence forever now.. in imagination and creativity.. in mind and body balance.. of greaTEST growing tough love ways of expanding conscious awareness as ONE with subconscious archetypes of shared human mind.. heArt.. and soUl expressed as spiRit.. as truly ONE race of humans connected as hive of loving eyes.. from the beginning of creation to now of human eyes of i WiTH GOD of NatURE TRUE..:)

  17. DELL CLOVER says:

    This has me crying my eyes out–I can’t even imagine all that heartbreak. Sending you drippy HUGS.

    • Truly it prepared me for an experience beyond what i can ever possibly describe in words of suffering for five years; so it a blessing from God to me and of course a suffering for my child; and yes suffering for me then; but still fully understood as a blessing to survive now.

      And in the midst of what cannot ever fully be described in words; I couldn’t imagine a way out; and I had too much will to survive to commit suicide; so the catch 22 of suffering is what I owned for 5 whole years, no less than the Hunch Back of Notre Dame as a closed in bedroom shut-in, hidden from public view; but now that makes me seriously as strong as ‘JOB’ in heart, soul, and spirit; and coherent as I’ve ever been in my life; however, it isn’t often that another human being comes across a feral civilized human being; so yes, I am both identified as hero or fool; depending on who is open minded enough to see what i really am in flesh and blood life.

      Smiles; life is good now; and now is all that truly counts as real..:)

      Thanks for your kind words of concern, friend..:)

      • DELL CLOVER says:

        I can only imagine–truly a Job story, but you’re heart is so right to seek the treasure in the painful ashes, rather than waste your life in bitterness. I learned all this the hard way, of course. Bless your dear heart, Always.

        • Thanks for your kindness Dell Clover.. that means a lot to me.. with smiles..:)
          And I guess the hard way is sometimes the best way of being free enough
          later not to be afraid to reach out and touch another person’s soul.
          So for me you’ve achieved the greatest achievement in life
          of all; and that too; is my life’s purpose to touch the heart,
          soul, and spirit of other people; in all ways
          possible; with unconditional tough love..:)

          • DELL CLOVER says:

            I don’t want to pry–but did you have other children?

            • Oh.. no problem,, I don’t mind sharing life’s experiences.. during
              labor my wife has a Grand Mal seizure and finds out that
              she has epilepsy of the complex partial type her
              whole life; and that gets worse after the
              pregnancy; so she has been
              disabled from that issue
              since then; so
              given all of the
              circumstances we decided it best
              to go childless and help her extended
              family the best we can; as since then
              they have been very needy in financial
              ways; another lesson I learned from the
              experience is that we are all related enough
              to be brothers and sisters; I feel no separation
              by blood at all; and for me it is one family of humans
              as whole; without separation of restrictive blood ties..:)

  18. Candy says:

    This breaks my heart. So sorry.

  19. vbholmes says:

    Such pain, emotional, physical, and such a sensitive portrayal–fortunately, you have your beautiful wife, your talents and your sense of humor to center you.

    • Yes.. there is huge Amen of affirmation from me on that center of life that anchors me like the earth itself.. VB.. thanks for coming by with those kind words.. and i hope blessings continue to come your way as well.. everynow.. always now.. with smiles too..:)

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