My father on the right..

and his twin brother

TED

on

the

left….

Well..

yes..

i’m a Junior..

i like to title things

‘special’

so i can find them

on

Google

easy

for future reference…

News comes today that

my

Father at 81

passes away…

i’m in shock

but my greatest

fear

is

i

cannot feel anything..

or may never

cry

over my

father’s death..

i’m glad he didn’t

suffer..

and

this wasn’t unexpected

as he

did

have

surgery

for an

aortic

aneurysm

in 2012..

and we are

worried

that

we

will

lose him then…

Well..

being

on the

Autism Spectrum

expressing grief can be a

difficult

thing..

i

only cried about

my

beloved

grandmother

dying

after watching

a movie

that

reminded

me of

her….

For me it’s almost like

if

i

dont’

see it

happen..

it

didn’t

happen…

And i’m not into viewing corpses..

no

matter how much

that

might

help..

the issue…

Well..

i suppose i will talk

about the good memories

of my

father..

and sure there are no

close

ones

at

all..

As my father as law enforcement

officer

for

44 or so years..

getting the record

of the longest

serving

Deputy

Sheriff

in

Florida

before

he retires

at

age

69..

stores his emotions

away

somewhere

never

to be seen..

Until his cat of

20 years died

when i am

in

my

30’s

and i finally heard him

sad..

and

actually

am

relieved

as

i

know then

that yes!

he

does have a heart

after all..

and yes..!

he did get upset

when

my

only child died too..

and an unusual response

is

don’t tell me anymore

bad

news

i

can’t take it..

So obviously he did have

problems expressing

his emotions

too…

Thank goodness!

for random songs

from past

as

for some reason

the song

“TeARing Up my Heart”

helps me to

cry about my son..

back in ’97..

when

he died..

and RANDOMLY HEARing

that song

again

today..

bring

the tears

flooding

through

the shock

of what

is….

The thing i remember

most about my father

is

i

idolized him

as

a

fearless

man

that never let anything

get

to

him..

while

i

then

am

a

super

scaredy

cat….

Over protected by a

SUPER EMPATHIC

LOVING

MOTHER

AS

SUCH!

i

am full of empathy

and love

no

problem..

but scared of my

own

shadow

is

what

i am

too..

without the paternal

influence

in

the home

as such..

STRONG

TO

COPY

FOR

ME

!

YUP..

MY GRANDMOTHER IS

TOUGH..

BUT STILL

NOTHING

LIKE

THE

STRENGTH

OF

A

FATHER LIKE MINE

COULD

BE

TO

ME

I

THOUGHT!

But anyway..

no hard feelings for me..

i

know life gets

complicated

and no matter the

conflicts

we

ARE

ALL

IN

THIS

GAME TOGETHER..

My father’s response when

my step sister died..

at the funeral

is

a little smirk

and

there they

go

planting her in the ground..

but still..

i

hold no

personal judgement

against

him

on that..

as i did not spend

four decades

with

life or death

situations

such

as he did..

in

Law Enforcement..

so many stories of valor

and bravery

i

can share..

but if

ya

watch cop shows..

it’s

like

a

Cop show..

where ya

know

the hero

villain

story

too

well

already..

i

think…

But again..

my best memories of my

father

is

of

ROCK

of

STABILITY

COOL

DUDE

JAMES BOND STYLE..

NEVER

BREAKING

A SWEAT..

ELEGANTLY

HOLDING

A CIGARETTE..

LIKE

HE’S

READY FOR ANYTHING

IN LIFE!

While for many years

i

wondered

if

i could

be my father’s child

as he

is so strong

and

i

am

so weak..

Selfies are coolest of all

as

although i never spend

any quality time really

with

my father..

i

see him

in

almost every

selfie

i

take…

now..

i

am my own

father..

NOW

FINALLY

the gift

only

my father

can

give

to me..

with or without

his

direct

assistance….

The strong

fearless part of

me

now..

is

him

in

TOTAL EFFECT

STILL..

THE FEARLESS OF  HIM..

LIVES

ON

IN

ME…

NO

W

!

THE INHERENT

GIFT

OF

MY FATHER

NO ONE

NOW

CAN

TAKE

A

WAY

!

the inheritance

of

free….

And a couple of mother notes..

My mother married

him as

she thinks

he is the

best looking

man in the whole

world..

and whoever his

girl

IS must

be the luckiest

girl in the world..

SHE writes A POEM

CALLED

‘GREEN

EYES’

ABOUT

HIM

i

might

share here

later…

Well..

only problem

is

he didn’t

talk..

and stayed until i am three..

And his second wife

my

Stepmother

Carolyn..

mentioned

he is the one she

wanted that

looked

good

holding

a

wine

glass…

Yup..

his looks are a ticket

to many things..

but again..

his fearless nature

is

his real gift

to serve in law enforcement..

for those

over

4 decades

a vocation..

a dedication..

that took up

most

of his life..

like

is the case

for

many heroes in life..

that must serve more

than

just the loved

ones

at

home….

A member of the

whole dam

tribe

of

fearless

SACRED LOVE!

But again..

more than anything

i

am happy

i

see

him

in me..

i

suppose there

can’t

be many more things

greater..

deep down

that

a

father

can hope

for

before

a

father

goes..

away

for GOOD!

Still

in

TOTAL

AFFECT

AND

EFFECT!

FOR LIVING ON!

IN

SPIRIT

AS

SUCH

THROUGH MY

EYES!JR