i am born without a mask..
with arms open to any stranger to give a hug..
my form of Autism is not one of not wanting to connect..
it is one of
with no separation..
extreme tactile sensitivity..
i am an energy
not even realizing what my face
looks like on the outside..
without a body…
Before i am 4 and cannot speak..
i still know the things my mother needs
and find her keys under her bed in another room
when she is searching frantically muttering where are my keys
and i just hand them to her with a smile…
and no words of course…
And for so many years after that as when i start looking
over the river before age 4 feeling as though i had been here forever
knowing i belonged…
Challenge and adversity a normal animal way is going to be a little
more than for most others…
And one day
DEAD ZONE WILL COME FOR FIVE YEARS..
THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE
THE CHALLENGE OF ‘JOB’ IS TRULY WHAT IT IS
it is no longer allowed to be spoken of in the marriage counselor office
where my wife and i go..
We just call it the DEAD ZONE now
and simply let it go…
get to where i am now..
and sometimes i revisit there..
if the mood is ‘wRite’ to celebrate who i am
even more now…
Working out Monday Night it feels good to see 16..45LB
weights lined up with 2..10LB
weights on each side..
740 LBS total..
i now lift in leg press with my legs..
for me a miracle as at the beginning of that
5 years of Dead Zone..
i can not raise my arms above my head without almost
yes job related starting in the late 90’s
coming to a pinnacle of total human exhaustion
takes me to a place of my body breaking down
and basically going haywire in almost every body system i have..
Paramountly and not diagnosed until around 2010..
as the condition is so rare..
Type two Trigeminal Neuralgia..
like someone drilling my teeth without novocaine
from wake to sleep..
except the pain is in my right eye and ear
making effective use of sight and hearing
that is Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction..
making itself first known..
yes unknown to me..
in Summer of 2007..
chilled in the air of 100 degree temperatures..
when a breeze blows against my skin..
eventually my feet and ankles always cold..
eventually feeling cold and faint most all the time…
Another diagnosis coming almost 2 years later..
For whatever reason doctors seem not to believe i can
actually have these things i am feeling but they cannot see on the outside..
It is always me that has to fight to go on..
no matter what..
somehow i never give all the way up…
i will say this for sure..
Science now shows how stress can kill..
And by GOD yes..
it definitely comes close to killing me..
40 days in 2008 of no sleep except for 1 hour
with a powerful alpha blocker..
and no sleep the last 5 days..
the levels of Dante’s Inferno growing
stronger every day of that 40..
me asking GOD how much more can i take..
i refuse to get mad at GOD
for at least GOD gives me the love of my life
that i ask for earlier
in my life..
Yes truly then..
all i want in life..
is to feel love by a wife..
this is surely
Additionally out of 19 total documented medical disorders..
the great challenge then..
where my eyes stop making tears..
where i feel like i am swimming in salt water with
eyes wide open…
At the end of 40 days without no sleep
i can no longer function at all..
i imagine being on the side of the road somewhere
where dogs will be eating me naked…
There are some places so dark..
that yes..they do deserve to be called
i tried to escape this world before the suffering is too great
for what i can imagine anyone to experience..
i find the car keys and a strength from within
from somewhere at the end of that 40 days..
and drive off trying to slam my self into a tree..
i follow the rules..
my foot will not go faster than 55..
So i travel to the bottom of a bridge but too weak
to go to jump off it..
my sister finds me at the bottom of the bridge..
driving in her car..
she coaxes me in her car..
but i still want to jump off the banks of board
walk river shore..
the burning pain that is all my body..
and the emptiness of soul..
like a piece of paper..
is so far beyond anything i can imagine
of pain or depression..
the dark part is a miracle of bad stuff that can
seemingly possibly even happen to anyone then..
There is no why for me then..
REAL HUMAN HELL..
with no escape…
i finally agree to go to a hospital and after refusing anything
stronger than an alpha blocker..
i am administered two milligrams of
Ativan and for 5 long years..
Ativan is the only thing that allows me to escape the pain..
with sleep then starting with 4 milligrams..
and finally ending the drug last Summer..
along with a miraculous recovery..
where bliss is my new home of life..
just making the most of
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
Last week i have a respiratory virus that did not slow me down..
but yesterday i contracted an intestinal
bug where my home once again
for a short while now..
only night confined to my bedroom for one long day..
i do not worry..
i’ve been through so much more..
where a night lasted 5 long years..
beyond most people’s comprehension..
with a reminder though enough
to remember and yes honor
the challenge of
GOD GIVES ME..
i am fearless
will do anything..
i do mean anything to help anyone
such a fate…