OJoy THE DEAD ZONE

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i am born without a mask..

with arms open to any stranger to give a hug..

nah..

my form of Autism is not one of not wanting to connect..

it is one of

superconnector..

with no separation..

no ego..

Raw

emotional energy..

extreme tactile sensitivity..

endless energy..

i am an energy

body..

not even realizing what my face

looks like on the outside..

feeling weightless..

almost like..

a soul

without a body…

Before i am 4 and cannot speak..

i still know the things my mother needs

and find her keys under her bed in another room

when she is searching frantically muttering where are my keys

and i just hand them to her with a smile…

and no words of course…

And for so many years after that as when i start looking

over the river before age 4 feeling as though i had been here forever

knowing i belonged…

Challenge and adversity a normal animal way is going to be a little

more than for most others…

And one day

the

DEAD ZONE WILL COME FOR FIVE YEARS..

THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE

THE CHALLENGE OF ‘JOB’ IS TRULY WHAT IT IS

Yes..

it is no longer allowed to be spoken of in the marriage counselor office

where my wife and i go..

We just call it the DEAD ZONE now

and simply let it go…

But still..

it’s

how i

get to where i am now..

and sometimes i revisit there..

if the mood is ‘wRite’ to celebrate who i am

even more now…

Working out Monday Night it feels good to see 16..45LB

weights lined up with 2..10LB

weights on each side..

740 LBS total..

i now lift in leg press with my legs..

for me a miracle as at the beginning of that

5 years of Dead Zone..

i can not raise my arms above my head without almost

passing out..

Chronic stress..

yes job related starting in the late 90’s

coming to a pinnacle of total human exhaustion

in 2008..

takes me to a place of my body breaking down

and basically going haywire in almost every body system i have..

Paramountly and not diagnosed until around 2010..

as the condition is so rare..

Type two Trigeminal Neuralgia..

like someone drilling my teeth without novocaine

from wake to sleep..

except the pain is in my right eye and ear

making effective use of sight and hearing

almost impossible..

Dysautonomia..

that is Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction..

making itself first known..

yes unknown to me..

in Summer of 2007..

chilled in the air of 100 degree temperatures..

when a breeze blows against my skin..

eventually my feet and ankles always cold..

eventually feeling cold and faint most all the time…

Another diagnosis coming almost 2 years later..

For whatever reason doctors seem not to believe i can

actually have these things i am feeling but they cannot see on the outside..

It is always me that has to fight to go on..

and no..

no matter what..

somehow i never give all the way up…

i will say this for sure..

Science now shows how stress can kill..

And by GOD yes..

it definitely comes close to killing me..

40 days in 2008 of no sleep except for 1 hour

with a powerful alpha blocker..

and no sleep the last 5 days..

the levels of Dante’s Inferno growing

stronger every day of that 40..

me asking GOD how much more can i take..

but no..

i refuse to get mad at GOD

for at least GOD gives me the love of my life

that i ask for earlier

in my life..

yes..

my

wife…

Yes truly then..

all i want in life..

is to feel love by a wife..

and yes..

this is surely

my gift

from

GOD

then….

Additionally out of 19 total documented medical disorders..

the great challenge then..

is

Sjogren’s Syndrome

where my eyes stop making tears..

where i feel like i am swimming in salt water with

eyes wide open…

At the end of 40 days without no sleep

i can no longer function at all..

i imagine being on the side of the road somewhere

where dogs will be eating me naked…

There are some places so dark..

that yes..they do deserve to be called

the

DEAD ZONE.

i tried to escape this world before the suffering is too great

for what i can imagine anyone to experience..

i find the car keys and a strength from within

from somewhere at the end of that 40 days..

and drive off trying to slam my self into a tree..

but nah..

i follow the rules..

my foot will not go faster than 55..

So i travel to the bottom of a bridge but too weak

to go to jump off it..

my sister finds me at the bottom of the bridge..

driving in her car..

she coaxes me in her car..

but i still want to jump off the banks of board

walk river shore..

the burning pain that is all my body..

and the emptiness of soul..

like a piece of paper..

is so far beyond anything i can imagine

of pain or depression..

that

the dark part is a miracle of bad stuff that can

seemingly possibly even happen to anyone then..

There is no why for me then..

just is..

REAL HUMAN HELL..

with no escape…

i finally agree to go to a hospital and after refusing anything

stronger than an alpha blocker..

i am administered two milligrams of

Ativan and for 5 long years..

Ativan is the only thing that allows me to escape the pain..

with sleep then starting with 4 milligrams..

and finally ending the drug last Summer..

along with a miraculous recovery..

where bliss is my new home of life..

Yes..

just making the most of

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

IT

IS

THE

MOST

OF

i

ONLY

LIVE

NOW!

Last week i have a respiratory virus that did not slow me down..

but yesterday i contracted an intestinal

bug where my home once again

is

for a short while now..

only night confined to my bedroom for one long day..

but

nah..

i do not worry..

i’ve been through so much more..

where a night lasted 5 long years..

beyond most people’s comprehension..

with a reminder though enough

to remember and yes honor

the challenge of

the

DEAD ZONE

GOD GIVES ME..

AS

i am fearless

now

and

will do anything..

and yes..

i do mean anything to help anyone

else

avoid

such a fate…

About katiemiafrederick

I like to write.
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6 Responses to OJoy THE DEAD ZONE

  1. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt267152.html

    Human beings instinctually are tribal social animals. The Abrahamic God in traditional Muslim and Christian religions is mirrored in this human centric point of view.

    Fortunately some humans have come along and presented an alternate idea that there is a force that can be described as GOD that is the interdependent relationship of nature aka ALL IT IS.

    Socrates, Jesus, Spinoza, and Einstein are philosophers of this caliber. But no, not the early Roman Emperor Constantine with early Roman Catholic Cohort ways of making Jesus a GOD himself instead of just a man who found GOD in himself; yes inside, outside, as above so below.

    And yes, with the later findings of Einstein and science, science now also shows an interdependent relationship of all things in Nature as far as the eye can see, and the aided eye of science can see too; from the electrons orbiting nucleus in all things that exist materialistically at the core of nature to the photon that acts as both particle and wave as part of the whole field of what is, also known as the interdependent relationship of all of nature there is.

    The real Yeshua dude aka Jesus, whether an actual person or not, has words that ring true with this, as reported in the Gospel of Thomas. Jesus was just a classical pantheist leaning Yogi like dude, not unlike Socrates too, really, who paid the ultimate price for going against the tribal reason of separation rather than seeing one big interdependent relationship of all it is.

    http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm

    The GOD I know that I’ve known even before I could speak as a child, at age 3, is the same GOD that is reported in the Gospel of Thomas, by Spinoza, and yes, by Einstein too. I am part of GOD and yes science backs up, my three-year-old premise too.

    And of course Jesus spoke in parables, yes metaphors, as if you cannot imagine, there is no way, he could literally speak these truths to literally thinking folks at that time, with their tribal ways, and avoid a death by the hand of others any later than he did, not unlike Socrates as well.

    And to hate one’s mother and father and brothers and sisters in a literal tribal thinking society, is obviously a metaphor to go against tradition of narrow ways of thinking.

    I need no language to understand GOD and for a man who might wander the desert for 40 days, he would also need no language to understand GOD.

    I walked literally thousands of miles alone on desolate pristine beaches when I was young. It was always refreshing to be with the GOD that is all of nature there, away from literally thinking folks in fundamentalist tribalistic religious ways.

    I find more of GOD in a Seagull spiraling the sun, than in any text that attempts to put a silly little human being above anything else in nature.

    Yes, it is instinct and a tribal way that is also part of GOD of nature, but it is only one tiny speck of what all of nature is interdependently working as ONE GOD all together, yes as ONE.

    I melt away all of the lies of tribalistic traditions when I lose language in a TAI CHI way of moving in ‘perfect’ spiraling human balance. I and the Seagull and GOD become one spiraling around the SUN both in life and at nuclear core of all of our electrons orbiting our inner Suns. Yes, so above as below, inside and outside, WE ARE ONE FORCE OF GOD ACTING TOGETHER, YES AS ONE.

    The illusion is we are separate, and alone.

    It’s a very sad illusion too that leads to much suffering among many humans left as metaphorically blind through the illusory forces of tribal cultures and yes, separatist religions too.

    Yes, that’s only my opinion, but science proves my GOD TRUE NOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, and finally backs up the words of Jesus aka Yeshua, as metaphorically reported in the Gospel of Thomas, in parables, true too.
    _________________
    KATiE MiA FredericK!iI

    Gravatar is one of the coolest things ever!!!

    http://en.gravatar.com/katiemiafrederick

  2. http://shadowsofthedivine.wordpress.com/2014/09/17/once-in-a-blue-moon/

    Allah makes humans to love.. and by love i mean supporting the tribe with all their heart in flesh and blood connections making life and survival even possible…

    Technology and modern societies change the equation…

    There is the social cognition part of the mind that includes empathy and the systemizing mind aka mechanical cognition that solves problems…

    When the systemizing mind is turned on to solve problems the empathizing mind is repressed to solve the problems and vice versa…

    My wife’s mother spent her life poor and mostly away from work raising 6 children in mostly poverty sometimes without any electricity or food to feed her children…

    Her way of life was more like our ancestors who truly depend on each other for just their basic survival..

    The amazing thing is later in her life.. through all her hardships.. she always has an open door for anyone in her impoverished community.. in her little home.. for someone to lay a head.. and to share whatever she has to eat…

    And even through all these hardships all six children survive and find people to love them and take care of them.. for they are given the gift of loving all others unconditionally too…

    Sometimes the true poverty among human being.. is in technologically advanced societies.. and what they call the ‘the side of the railroad tracks where the superior folks live’…

    Jesus the prophet words do seem correct.. and Muhammad the prophet shares similar sentiment of what does seem to be truth..

    The meek will truly inherit the Kingdom of Divine Love..

    the greatest gift Allah gives us..

    if used..

    And yes.. i am very impoverished before in this way of life.. needing everything in my life that truly counts to be taken away to fully understand it..

    Love.. yes Love lost.. ALL LOST.. and love gained for all others finAlly true for me…

    The lesson of Allah is now my life..

    Thank GOD…

    This is the problem in the world.. societies are so big now.. that even in individual societies people forget we are equal brothers and sisters in the eyes of Allah.. deserving of equal love..

    yes.. Divine verb of LOVE FREELY GIVEN.. to all others needing.. IT.. to make one tribe work in harmony of Divine LOVE…

    There may be no real effective answer to this.. as human are made by Allah to live in much smaller groups.. with only around 150 to 200 sets of eyes.. to truly connect to.. before eyes become nothing and something to avoid…

    And of course when societies exist overseas with no real connection.. it is so much easier to declare wars large or very small.. to never see the pain of innocents.. who will fall to eyes that are never truly seen..

    WITHOUT the Love of Allah’s Divine connection REAL Human Being LOVING way….

    i never met my neighbors until a Hurricane came and swept away the trees and electricity…

    The best part of the whole experience was meeting and sharing food with my neighbors…

    Something my wife’s mother could take for granted almost everyday of her life…

    Across the railroad tracks..

    of LIFE and LOVE

    Perhaps the reason more of us can do this so far across the continents with so many folks now is..

    We do not have to see each others eyes..per the written word…

    i for one.. LOVE loving eyes….and can never get enough.. in REAL LIFE NOW.. but Allah now makes me.. for whatever reason.. that way.. for NOW @least.

    To be clear i am not placing any personal judgement on your personal life…

    These are just the words that come to me.. that i let flow freely here on yOur blog…

    Love you.. and may Allah’s Divine LOVE always LIVE IN YOU.. FRIEND.. to share with all others as you so easily share IT here… 🙂

  3. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt267152.html

    Yes, even with a common group of monotheists, there are as many potential ‘GODs’ as there are sets of eyes.

    The most amazing thing about life in general, is how it varies from eye to eye. There is a GOD for everyone and no GOD for everyone too, perhaps.

    But again, as Mark Twain says, Truth is stranger than fiction.

    I focus on now; and that’s enough for me, and the GOD I know now, ‘who’ journeys with me on ‘A’ journey too.
    _________________
    KATiE MiA FredericK!iI

    Gravatar is one of the coolest things ever!!!

    http://en.gravatar.com/katiemiafrederick

  4. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postx266591-60-0.html

    Interestingly, different minds make different ways of looking at reality. Some folks see more of subjective truths in the inner life that makes the outer life real and some folks see more of the objective truths that make the outer world be an illusory inner world, too. Yes, that’s an oversimplification but nature vs. nurture is always a balance of human being, and is very much determined by the culture/environment a human being grows up in.

    The more culture there is more often the less time there is to look within with instinct to find the greater truths of life, intuitively.

    Part of why folks who live in poverty wherever one looks in the world may have brighter eyes and more depth of emotional life is they live more in an internal world of instinct, empathy, intuition, and love, than one of mechanical cognition to determine all the complex contingencies of societal norm to even make it through life to step one of getting a mate and finding some dam way to get subsistence, when the parental coverage, if you will, runs out.

    Religion addresses the subconscious archetypes of mind and emotion that science is finally now just catching to find some understanding for. Science also is just now even coming to a common understanding in scientific terms of how human empathy works and yes breaks too.

    There are many metaphors and parables of religion used to defeat the literally thinking mind. One can attempt to understand that any heresy of moving away from the literal ways of social norm in cultures of the past and unfortunately many cultures of today is a punishment that can range from flogging to death.

    Poetry in all its forms is how historical folks with deeper minds delving into the internal instinctual mind relate truths to help others who have the ability to think this way have a better life.

    The human attributes of relative free will, faith, belief, hope, and yes unconditional love are real human attributes and powerful ones that can and have changed the world many times before and will always do this as long as human beings are human beings, and perhaps not manipulated by genetics to remove their metaphorical soul from their body, or in an environmental way to remove their metaphorical souls from their body, through a way of life in culture and or fundamentalist religion through limited mechanical cognition thinking that basically kills the instinctual ‘soul’ of human being.

    There are literally thinking Scientists and fundamentalist religious folks in the world, who seem very similar to me, except they follow the rules of different text and culture. However, both can be fundamentalist in effect and merit, as they leave out a huge part of human being, per the subjective emotional part that is the true ’emoter’ or motivator of all of human being productivity and creativity.

    And for fundamentalist religious folks who repress human sexuality, this does the similar as they walk down the aisles of Wal-Mart with little to no spark or skip in their step, as sexual freedom and libido is a great source of human productivity and creativity too.

    So in short science shows the mistakes of religion and religion shows the mistakes of science.

    Most people don’t do leisure reading for science abstracts as they are devoid of human emotions and in effect boring as hell for the human learning process as emotions are core to human beings learning, whether through humor or whatever device of emotion may be used.

    Science is good at premises and determining what works and what does not work, but it horrible so far at basic human reciprocal communication that does require emotion to work well for the populace as a whole.

    Part of the issue there is inherent in the folks who are doing the science obviously as a mind spent mostly in mechanical cognition rather than social or empathizing cognition becomes what it is fed.

    Nature vs. Nurture; there is no escaping Mother Nature or cultural nurture. However, there are many ways to understand it, overcome the functional disabilities it creates in humanity, and have the best full balanced human being with both emotion and logic well balanced.

    And yes, that requires a great deal of time, effort, and focus to find the success that makes a balanced life true and very enjoyable every now of now.

    But to either discount the deep human emotional archetypal meanings of religions in general or the scientific method of science is a mistake in my opinion and one or the other is the source of great human suffering in my opinion, too.

    Life has always been about the balance of the metaphor of so-called Yin and Yang; that is human nature and will never change as long as human beings are human beings.

    Science is just now getting around to touching the surface of the archetypes of human sub-conscious mind of emotion.

    For me science only proves the most meaningful metaphors of religion that ring true, from the ancient sacred texts attributed to the man Yeshua aka Jesus, and many other philosophers, like ‘As above so below’, and looking within to find the reflection of ALL IT IS aka GOD of nature, everywhere one looks AND FEELS.

    Some of the most important lessons to date, are rarely learned in school; the most vital elements too, of simply being a successful well balanced human being per logic and emotion.

    Just because a person is not able to understand a parable or poetry, in general, does not mean there is not great truth in gems of emotional human archetypal knowledge housed within. The journey to understand it for those who cannot can indeed be a very long journey, if ever reached in one lifetime, I know for sure, from a personal perspective now, too.

    Even reading more than 140 characters is a challenge for some, who yes definitely do have the potential to read much more, and understand more too, if one finds a way to escape the illusions and reality of culture now.

  5. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt267248.html

    The major root of so-called evil is the oppression of GOD of Nature given human nature. Perhaps the greatest root of so-called evil is the repression of reproductive freedom.

    The prophet Muhammad carried on with over 10 wives and unusually enough one below the age of 10. He did not repress much of his sexual nature that is for sure.

    The height of hypocrisy in the original Muslim teachings as expressed today is that women should be held as lesser in equality with reproductive freedoms.

    But anyway, repress any part of human nature, whether it is ‘normal’ reproductive freedoms, human emotion, or ‘by GOD’ just the opportunity and ability to dance and not walk on sidewalks in a straight line only; or be forced in a room without windows sitting still in front of a computer screen 8 hours a day; and the not so savory parts of human nature can and do arise.

    And of course the inability to gain enough territory and basic subsistence for day-to-day life and compatible mates, is another major cause of what some folks describe as evil in the world.

    This is part of why one sees the healthiest most peaceful societies in cultures where folks get along and share whether it is government mandated in Scandinavian countries or the smaller more peaceful societies that do still have populaces that co-exist peacefully in sharing rather than collecting and dominating; oppressing and repressing the nature of other human beings through subjugation and fear tactics whether it is an imaginary devil called Satan, or an imaginary literal threat of hell fire.

    The GOD of nature is ONE, in my opinion.

    Humans are the only animals silly enough to divide nature into good and bad, as what they imagine can and does come true in conflicts and wars where innocents die. And if some could have his or her way the Armageddon scenario could come to fruition and everyone would suffer a horrifying death.

    Fortunately the GOD of nature, overall, makes humans to survive, not to kill themselves off instinctually.

    As a whole, ignorance is the root of so-called evil.

    And if there is any real evil in the world, it is human produced human suffering, taking people away from their GOD given natures.
    _________________
    KATiE MiA FredericK!iI

    Gravatar is one of the coolest things ever!!!

    http://en.gravatar.com/katiemiafrederick

  6. Pingback: Super Fly oF liGht | KATiE MiA FredericK!iI

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